“Let us take our children seriously! Everything else follows from this... only the best is good enough for a child.”
- Zoltan Kodaly
Pushy parents get a lot of bad press for obvious reasons, but lets think of them as an extreme not a rule. I have not met any so I think they are not as common as you read in the papers.
As a teacher I love when parents get involved, I will always ask them for advice. Sometimes a simple chat with a parent can help me to see how I can turn things around for the child.
Some parents don’t wish to get involved and I don’t get any feed back - this is OK too, I take it that they trust me to do my best for their kids. They know their children better and it is possible that it is what the child needs.
One of “my mums” helps her gifted young boys with sight reading and makes sure that the boys follow their practice routine at home. Guess what, they get Distinction with 29 out of 30 marks for their pieces at the ABRSM exams. I am very fortunate in this instance to have the opportunity to do what a teacher is supposed to be doing at the lessons - to teach instead of rehearsing the syllabus.
I appreciate that it is a fine art to be a good parent and sometimes, after a long day at work, we just don’t have any willpower left for parenting. I remember coming back home from a day’s teaching and thinking: “Should I get my boy to have his piano lesson with me tonight? No it will not end well.” It is very hard to teach your own as you expect them to know better but they don’t. When they behave like any other kid you teach, and worse, you loose your temper.
I find a lot of children don’t wish to let their parents be a friend or a teacher, they see it somehow as the invasion of their private space. A parent is only allowed to be a protector, feeder, homemaker and friendly banker! I had to give up teaching my son piano after his Grade 3 to keep our relationship a happy one but the violin lessons with another teacher went really well.
Here is how I learned to be a “violin mum”:
- It is so hard for the professionals not to interfere, but in this instance I could say to my son: ”I know nothing about violin, I couldn’t play it to save my lie. You are great whatever you achieve.”
- Become a No.1 Fan. I have spent a lot of time time listening to him play and went to almost every concert. I have missed only one when I was really sick. Yes, we have to suffer the pain of listening to someone else's children just to have a 2 min. chance to listen to our own in concert - such is life.
- It is important for children to hear their instrument to be played at the highest possible standard.
I took my son as early as possible to grown-up concerts in London - I was brave - at times he was the youngest person in the hall. To start with, it is better to take children to musical events and later to concerts and plays. Have outings with friends. It is important to get the level right - if it is too difficult it may put them off.
Dance is loved by many, so any stage production with lots of contemporary dance and singing will be good for them.
- Take notice of street musicians. Most of them are music college students and they play well - get your kid to listen and give some money to them respectfully.
- Get your kid to play one of those pianos that are on display at the shopping centers (antiseptic hand wipes and ice-cream for afters!)
- Pantomimes at holidays are good - acting and music is all part of the same thing. It is something you will all enjoy as a family. I still remember outings with my parents, mostly Mum, to the opera theatre: the faint aroma of wood decor, the touch of velvet chairs, the public all dressed for the occasion and, of course, the magic of music - but these were the old times - anything happy, fun and musical will do these days.
- Find other families where playing an instrument is a norm - no competition - just a way of life - include these people into your social life. Make time to listen to each other and play together. If your child can see that it is not just he who has to “suffer” the “culture” you are more likely to succeed in getting your youngster to enjoy playing.
- Be careful about competitions - they are not for everyone and can do more damage than good.
- Buy the best instrument you can afford - respect your kid. Show how much you value their effort! Tune the instrument regularly. Buy the best electronic second instrument for fun and possibilities, but for proper study always go for acoustic instruments. It is a very difficult area and I will dedicate the whole blog to it later.
- Get extended family to help you. One grandma I spoke to said that she has these aches and pains which are made better by her grandson’s playing so she has daily treatment sessions with him :) Well, the boy is heading into a professional virtuoso Jazz player and composer career now, so, I would say, all is fair in parenting.
There are many styles of parenting and I accept this. One of the best advices on parenting I had from my friend was: “You want to know what to do? Whatever you do could be wrong or not enough, so do your best and it will suffice”.
In my book if parents wish their child to ENJOY playing music and prepared for a long commitment they are doing at least one thing right. Cheers to them!
